Fetch My Flying Monkeys

J tried to tell me that a pet goat would serve no purpose other than to eat and poop. I told him "That's what all my pets do so that's no big deal." He said "Well at least they're trainable" (HELLO? Have you even met Jack?) and I told him my goat could be trained too. He asked me, "Trained to do what?" And I said "Well, I could train it to be a seeing-eye goat." He looked at me like I was retarded and then I remembered goats like to jump on things 

and also I wasn't blind. 

Then I quickly tried to distract him with the awesomeness of this picture-

and he stopped talking to me because he knew I'd want a monkey to go with my goat.

Posted by Laura at 05:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Do you remember the site that Sheri and I were collaborating on? Advice Asylum. The one we basically abandoned because we both have blogger's ADD. Yeah, that one. Well we're out of the advice business. I personally got tired of giving advice. All of mine ended with telling people "...then turn the gun on yourself." What I failed to realize is that when people take advice like that, you lose your audience. Go figure. And let's face it, it was only a matter of time before the authorities closed us down. Anyway, since we have a perfectly good website sitting there we have decided to use it for posting blurbs. Blurbs are just quick, short random entries of whatever is on our minds. Very good for people with blogger's ADD. It can pertain to anything or nothing at all. It will be like our personal Twitter except we won't be forced to count characters and no one can shut us down for cursing and upsetting people's sensibilities. Because isn't that the real reason for having your own site? To act out with immunity?

So put Advice Asylum back in your bookmarks and visit us frequently, then turn the gun on yourself. Oh, sorry. Old habits die hard.

Posted by Laura at 05:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

J and I were in Target this weekend and he said he needed hair gel. They were out of his regular brand, so I picked up another and told him it was just as good, if not better than his. He was skeptical at first, but I assured him it was all basically the same thing. He threw it in the cart. Tuesday afternoon I got a call.

J: "You know that hair gel you picked out? I smell like an old lady. Like roses to be exact."

Me: "It does not smell like roses."

J: "It does too and I bet you did that on purpose."

Me: "What are you saying? That it's all part of my diabolical plan? That I made you get that gel so bees will be attracted to you and your old lady hair? That they'll sting you and your tongue will swell and you'll fall over gasping for air, and you'll try to call out for help, but help won't be there. Is that what you're saying?"

J: (Silence)

Me: (laughs)"Well?"

J: "Umm, no. I was trying to say you just wanted to make fun of the fact that my hair smelled like flowers. And I'm not allergic to bees."

Me: "Oh. Then I have an insurance policy to cancel."

Posted by Laura at 05:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Everyone came up to me Monday wanting to discuss George and his WHORE. What a fucking mess. I am done discussing her. I'm sick of her. She just simply does not exist to me anymore. There's nothing more to say.

What I am going to say is, if you're not roasting all of your vegetables, you're doing it wrong.

Here we have Brussels sprouts, sweet potatoes, asparagus and onion. Always throw in some onion. Drizzle with olive oil, pepper, kosher salt and bake.

Words cannot describe the yumminess. You'll never want your veggies cooked any other way.

Apparently this goat still wants to discuss her. Goats are very in tune with people.

Posted by Laura at 05:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

I watched the doomsday movie "2012" this past weekend. It was alright. The special effects were pretty cool, but the story was pretty lame. It's about a couple of geologists discovering the Earth's core is heating up due to radiation from solar flares and, of course, the government plan is to save themselves and the rich and keeping the rest of the world ignorant about it so everyone doesn't go ape shit and mess up their plans before they can make a run for it. Now that part I truly believe. The part I found hard to swallow was our president STAYS and with a few hours remaining makes a broadcast and tells the world we're all fucked and then they show everyone crying and hugging each other singing Kumbaya and going to church. That's bullshit. Maybe a few folks will be doing that, but I, for one, am going out like a fucking lunatic spider monkey on crack. First thing I'd do is go loot some major electronic store. I'm going to grab a gigantic flat screen tv. Then I'm going to loot a grocery store, and grab all the candy, Cheetos and bacon I can carry. Then while I'm watching "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew" on my looted big screen tv while wearing my stained sweatshirt, fat pants and tiara and eating a bacon sandwich bigger than my head, I'm calling all the people I have ever been forced to be cordial to in my life and I'm going to tell them all what fucking assholes they are, and how I always wanted to stab them dead. I'll end every call with a maniacal laugh, after screaming "BURN IN HELL, MOTHERFUCKER! BURN IN HELL!" Then after I run out of people I know, I'm just going to start random dialing and telling those people the same thing.

That's my end-of-the-world apocalypse plan if I have warning ahead of time. Hopefully it won't turn out to be a false alarm. Gah. Can you imagine? Going back to work after you just told everyone off? I'd have to give back my big screen tv too. Piggly Wiggly would probably file charges. I'd probably be going to prison. I'm pretty sure I could carry and eat enough bacon for it to be a felony.

Posted by Laura at 05:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Oh shit. One of them must have been hiding in the limo.

Posted by Laura at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Titled: "My Boyfriend and I Just Hanging Around My NYC Penthouse Apartment."

Posted by Laura at 08:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I not only have rabies, but I have had bad insomnia for over a week now. This makes me extremely tired and cranky as you can imagine. More than my normal tired and cranky. This is one reason why I sign up for all of the social media apps like Twitter and Facebook, because they can be put on my iPhone and I can use them laying down. I don't blog from my iPhone because iPhone auto-spell is insane and it'll look like a brain-damaged spider monkey wrote it. I mean, more than it does now. Anyway, because I also have Internet ADD, I've pretty much abandoned Twitter and am exclusively on Facebook for now. I've been working some more on my "real" account too. You know, the one where I lie about my big exciting, important life so that people from my high school will be in awe and all jealous of me and shit and want to kill themselves because they can't be awesome like me? Yeah, that one. I have on there now that I live in New York City. I've been scouring the web collecting pictures of New York to put in my albums. I wanted ones that looked like I took them, not some professional jobs. I wanted to stay "real." Because when you're lying like a motherfucker you have to stay "real." Hey, I think I'm going to embroider that on a pillow or something.

P.S. Jack is still getting friend requests and also invitations to join groups in Facebook. One of his invites is to join a group called "I'm Gay and Proud" and the other is "How To Make Love to A Gay Man." Seriously. I'm starting to piece together what he's up too all day when I'm at work. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

P.P.S. Did you know I have an iPhone?

Posted by Laura at 05:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Three Startling Discoveries I've Made So Far This Week

• I own three Lady Gaga songs. Yes, Lady Gaga. I own Poker Face, Paparazzi, and Bad Romance. According to my iPod I have played Bad Romance 23 times since I downloaded it. I downloaded it on Saturday night.
  
• I am totally addicted to wacky, weird reality shows. Not only am I addicted to "Hoarders", but I watched back to back episodes of "Deadliest Catch" this weekend and could not look away. And it's the same thing over and over! It's cold, it's wet, they catch crabs. Like most people's prom night. Which reminds me, I also watch "16 and Pregnant" and "RuPaul's Drag Race." Can. Not. Look. Away.
  
• Jack is on FaceBook. Not only is he on Facebook, but he has more friends than I do. Not only does he have more friends than I do, but he gets more people writing on his "wall." He even got solicited by a female Mastiff named Bella. He kindly turned her down, explaining to her that he was neutered but told her they could still go out and sniff cat butt sometime. He's so polite.

Posted by Laura at 05:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Things I Would Have Liked A Dollar For Today

1. I would have liked a dollar for every worker who spent over two hours this morning visiting and chatting and disrupting others before their supervisor came in.

2. I would have liked a dollar for every time someone wants to ride on my lunch order but never comes and asks me if I want lunch when they are ordering.

3. I would have liked a dollar for every car that pulled out in front of me today. It was raining fuckers, you shouldn't do that.

4. I would have liked a dollar for every asshole that pulled out in front of me who was on their cell phone. Unfuckingbelievable.

5. I would have liked a dollar for every car I saw trying to outrun an ambulance/ fire engine/ cop today. Again, it was raining today and that meant lots of emergency rescue personnel were on the roads.

6. I would have liked a dollar for every cat yak/hairball I had to clean up today.

Man, I would have made some serious cash today! And I didn't have to resort to violence. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I'd take every cent and buy knives so that I could stab, and stab and stab the fuck out of all of them.

P.S. "A high-powered rifle" would have fit in just as well as "a dollar" now that I look at it.

P.S.S. Although I enjoy firing a high-powered rifle as much as the next person, I think stabbing is a better stress reliever. It's more of an aerobic workout too, which is good for the cardiovascular system.

Posted by Laura at 05:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)