Fetch My Flying Monkeys

My favorite parts-

lack their own form of transportation

one major flaw some Laura's possess is their failure to watch Donnie Darko as often as they should

That girl is a bitch...her name must be Laura

Let me know what your name means at urbandictionary.com. Or not.

Posted by Laura at 07:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

I took this same quiz back in 2008 and it said I could take on 29 five year olds. Since then I've worked out and read up on kids by reading some mommy blogs. My goal is to take on at least 40. I like setting goals for myself. J wouldn't take the quiz again. He still has some kind of ethical, moral thing against opening a can of whoop ass on five year olds. Yeah, I know. But sometimes you have to overlook a person's faults if you really care for them.

Posted by Laura at 06:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

It's been a pissy week. And when I get pissy, I get stabby. And because prison scares me, I try to keep my violent tendencies to my lists. So let's get on with it, shall we?

1. The very pregnant girl in the grocery store check out line who had her groceries separated into two piles. One pile was all the juice, milk, cheese, eggs and cereal that she had a WIC voucher for. The other pile was steaks and other assorted meats, about a dozen frozen name brand pizzas, soda pop and a full cart of other asundry things that her little Food Stamp credit card thingy paid for. The rest of us overheard you telling the lady behind you that you were eight months pregnant and that you had a nine month old at home. I was overcome with happiness that my taxes helped support your choices as I stood in line with my buy one get one free boxes of cereal that I thought I would be eating for a few suppers because I have to pay for my medical bills and my GINORMOUS electric bill, BOTH I'm also certain YOU don't have to pay. You're welcome. The best part was watching you load your huge haul into your new Toyota Camry. I thought of Andre Bauer, and I didn't hate him as much, and for that I really wanted to stab you.

2. Those fucking reptile people at work who turned the thermostats up so high I swear to God my hair almost caught on fire sitting at my desk the other day. My buddy at work and I used to do sort of a tag team thing where we would take turns walking behind them and turning down the heat. She's been out, and I have been losing the battle. Just yesterday I had to hook myself up to IV fluids because I was so dehydrated. I would LOVE to fucking STAB all of them in their reptilian, anemic hearts.

3. I want to stab J for saying I sound like a Chinese leprechaun every time I attempt to do a foreign accent. I don't care if I try to do a French, British, Chinese or even IRISH accent. He claims it all sounds the same. He always says "What the hell was that?" and bursts out laughing. STAB.

4. The damn squirrel that got in my attic and decided to gnaw on a piece of wood, waking me up from my sleep. I'll have to admit you kind of scared me as I was trying to figure out where the sound was coming from. It sounded like you were in the wall right behind my head and my first thought was "It can't be a body. Not enough room." I know, because I measured it for that once. Wait. Nevermind. At least you didn't cause a fire gnawing wires. But you forced me to go into the attic and run your rodent ass out and nail down the mesh screening you pushed past. Stay out of my house, fucker. If you come back I will taser you. I've been wanting to use it.

5. The lawn guy I fired last year who I have been unable to replace. He left a letter and business card on my door saying I'd get a discount for any referrals! I mostly want to stab myself because it looks like I will hire him back.

6. The IRS. Why do things have to be so complicated? Oh my God. I've started to do my taxes twice and had to stop because my tears of frustration were smearing the ink. But I know I must get them done soon. Baby mommas need their DeGiorno Pizzas.

Posted by Laura at 05:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

It's now my ringtone. On my iPhone. Did you know I have an iPhone? Well, I do.

Posted by Laura at 04:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Yes, that was my fortune from my Moo Goo Gai Pan lunch this week. Even the Chinese know I'm an A-List Blogger. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go work on my memoirs.

P.S. You may have noticed that my entries now get posted in the mornings. This is just working out better for me, and for people who sneak on the Internet to read blogs at work get something to read besides Perez Hilton. Gawd, don't you just hate him? Oh, did you know he "wrote" a book? FACT. Now, back to working on my memoirs. And by "working on my memoirs" I mean eating Cheetos and watching Zombieland.

Posted by Laura at 05:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

With great power comes great responsibility. No truer words have ever been spoken. When you're an A-List Blogger like Dogette and me, it's always apparent that you are the leader, the trendsetter, the manipulator the one that everyone looks to for guidance. It's the A-Lister's job, nay, DUTY to dictate the wants, needs and desires of their minions readers.

I've been an A-List Blogger now for three days. And I don't want to fall behind in my duties. From time to time I will show you snapshots of products that you will look at and think to yourself "Oh, if I only had that I could be just like her! I could be AWESOME!" It's kind of like the burden Oprah must have with her Favorite Things List.

None of these products I use myself, and most of the products I just get paid to show you. Of course there's now that pesky little law where I'm suppose to disclose if I've been paid to hawk them, but even that doesn't matter. All you will think is "OH MY GOD! I get to see what SHE recommends! I MUST have these overpriced things so maybe it will make me closer to greatness. Hell, maybe she'll even notice I got one and link to me!" I'm going to start slow on this and just recommend one product today. I know once you see it, their website will crash from all the traffic coming in to order it, so if the site is down, just keep trying. Remember I don't use this, but by me featuring it on my A-List Blog, your life will not be complete until YOU own one.

It's a Dildo Helmet Head Massager! With free shipping! So order your Dildo Helmet Head Massager today! Hurry! Do it!

P.S. This is the part where I tell you that no one paid or offered me anything for suggesting you buy this Dildo Helmet Head Massager. The only compensation I got was the hilarious mental image of you all wearing this while reading my A-List Blog. Minus that creepy ass facial expression those models have though.

Posted by Laura at 05:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Having an A-List blog is harder than it looks. It's not like I became an A-List blogger overnight. Wait. Yes I did. Anyway, now the pressure is on to hold onto the A-List title. This is where my investigational skills came in handy. In my research of A-List bloggers I read a lot of A-List "Mommy Blogs." Yeah, you read that right. I looked at about four or five of them before stopping myself from gouging my own eyes out and noticed they all had a few things in common. First thing I noticed was they were all what's called SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) and secondly, most were on "mood modification" drugs; anti-depressants, sedatives and stuff like that. Being on these actually endeared them to their fan base. The Queen of all the Mommy Bloggers, Dooce, is on mega drugs and is always having to go get them tweaked when her crazy becomes immune to the current ones. Her fans find this delightful and go on and on and thank her for making crazy AWESOME or something. Seriously. I had a friend who had kids and was crazy and had her meds tweaked all the time and all she got was a few DSS investigations. She should have had a blog.

Anyway, I'm single and have to work, and that Baptist I gave a down payment to for a Haitian kid rental hasn't returned my calls, so I can't be a SAHM for A-List Blog Month. I can, however, take drugs. Though it's been suggested to me numerous times in my life to go get "professional help" and seek "treatment" I never did. I do, however, go to the doctor a lot, what with having rabies, and that one bout of feline leukemia. There are lots of meds in my bathroom medicine cabinet. So I went through them looking for medication I take that could be considered "mood modification" drugs which I could possibly write about and endear my fan base (all five of you) to me. I found these:

The Midol is pretty much self-explanatory but I bet you're wondering why the hell I consider Flintstone Vitamins to be a "mood modification" drug. Well, they keep me on an even keel. Last time I came off of them I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Okay, it wasn't in Reno. And well, it wasn't really a man, it was my brother. And I was like eight and he was nine. And I didn't exactly shoot him; I kicked him in the nuts. Really hard. But you get the idea. I can't get off the Barneys, man. Bad things happen.

A-List Blogger Crazy- Check.

Posted by Laura at 04:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Dogette and I have decided that we are A-List Bloggers. Don't ask how we decided this, we just did. So I am calling February "A-List Blog Month."

I know some of you are thinking "What the hell are these yo-yos up to now?" Listen, we are not two retards putting on cardboard Burger King crowns and running around the playground screaming "Look at me! I'm the King!" until we fall into the ball bin. No, we are two retards, err I mean, bloggers telling you we ARE A-List Bloggers because this month we are going to BEHAVE like A-List Bloggers. We will live it and be it. We have visited many so-called A-List Blogs and we think we know their secrets. We really won't be sharing that with you, because A-Listers don't share. DAMN! I gave one secret away! I need practice. Pretend you didn't read that.

So while we are mocking emulating A-List Bloggers, be sure to tell everyone you know that you read Fetch My Flying Monkeys and Two Nervous Dogs and add us to your blogrolls because this will make you cool by association. Not really, but it will make you feel cool.

So to kick this "A-List Blog Month" off right, be sure to leave me comments telling me how awesome and hip I am even though I basically phoned this entry in. Oh, but I did make this-

So there's no mistake. This IS an A-List Blog.

Posted by Laura at 04:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

It rained yesterday. That was it for our winter storm. This morning the railing on the backstairs had a little bit of ice on them. It scared me, but I ventured on to the store. I am brave like that. The Toilet Paper Scare of 2010 was completely averted.

Now on to the Craptastic Giveaway-

Congrats Zombie Mom! Email me a shipping address and I will get a box out to you this week.

This is it for the cool crap giveaways for a while. Thanks to everyone commenting wanting the crap. My house is full of crap, so if you didn't win this time around I am sure there will be more chances later. Now don't start hating and stop commenting if you didn't win. Remember, if you didn't win it's Jack's fault. He's the one who did the selecting of the winner. He knows that he has probably angered a few people, and made a few enemies so he's left town for a few weeks until the heat is off. This is his cousin Walter visiting while he's gone. Yeah, that's it.

Posted by Laura at 04:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It's gotten colder. It's raining. It's supposed to turn to sleet and ice shortly. The temperature tonight is going to be in the 20's. I have plenty of bread, milk, and eggs. I do, however, just have 2 rolls of toilet paper. TWO ROLLS. I will try to hang on. Ration them. Single sheet time. I will be brave. I will fight the good fight. I am uncertain how long before I can get to a store. I am uncertain even if the stores are stocked. There is just one thing I am certain of, and that is that my next month's electric bill will be $28,000. But I can't worry about that right now. I must just worry about making it to the next day, and the day after that. Oh, the things that go through your head during these trying times. But I've lived life to its fullest. I have but two regrets. I regret not buying double rolls, and I regret eating a bowl of Raisin Bran last night for dinner.

I will try to keep you updated. Or not.

Posted by Laura at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)